Movie of the Year | Transformers: Rise of the Fallon

It wouldn't be summer without an action-packed crapfest stinking up theaters and last summer brought us one of the very best. Transformers: Rise of the Fallon was far and away the best of any god-awful movie all year.

We learn that thousands of years ago an evil Audibot wanted to steal our sun by building a massive sun stealing machine. Some Primes (but not Optimal, he wasn't born yet) sacrificed themselves and hid somesuch so it didn't happen. This made the evil one, dubbed The Fallon, want to seek revenge, but not until he's had thousands of years to stew in his angry juices and spawn a few new Deceptibots. Then, early in the movie, there's a confusing and visually assaulting scene that induces migraines in the weak. This scene introduces us to the first ever gay robots Skidmark and Mudflaps. These two are the racially insensitive comic relief who fight and bicker like brothers throughout the movie. The Audibots and US Army successfully destroy Shanghai then high-five each other while drinking beer.

A Show that Changed the World: Who's The Boss?

Many years ago, a little show about two disparate families who come together in an un-traditional way, beamed onto television sets nationwide. It broke cultural taboos, ripped into established boundaries, shocked and appalled even the most liberal of viewers with it's genre busting format, and made viewers question their values and faith. That show was not Who's the Boss?. And thus began America's 8-season love affair with yet another shitty sitcom.

The opening credits give you all the information you need to jump right into the show. "There's a time for love and a time for livin', so take a chance and face the wind." Those lyrics ring true for dimbulb main character Tony Danza, played with gusto by the award-winning Tony Danza. He and his daughter, Sam, "face the wind" when they are run out of the city due to poor personal hygene. So they pack up the Good Time Family Van and head to a Connecticut town where they hope all their live-in house cleaner dreams come true. Luckily, Tony spots an ad in the Penny Saver seeking just that. Since he's seen a vacuum before, he figures that gives him just the right amount of experience to get the job done. So he shows up at recently widowed mother Angeler Bower's doorstep, ad in hand, p-cap hairstyle freshly trimmed, and worms his way right into the family's heart.

Characters Worth Noting: The Facts of Life

The Facts of Life was a serious drama that taught the world valuable lessons on life, love, baked goods and roller skates. The deadly serious theme song summed up the nature of the show in it's first few lines "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the Facts of Life (the facts of life, dee doo)." The show centered on four girls, Blair, Joseph, Natalie and Toots, who were perpetually away at boarding school living under the watchful eye of housemother Mrs Garrett. The girls lived above her bakery and always smelled like cookies.

Blair was the hottest and, therefore, the biggest bitch. She was practically made of money. In fact, I believe it was even mentioned in one episode that she even shat money! Ha ha, only in Hollywood. Her favorite pastimes were making fun of those less fortunate than herself, leading young men on, talking about money, talking about her "daddy," looking pretty, and making greed fashionable (it was the 80's after all). She was probably the most shallow, and the most liked of all the girls.

How Much My Body is Worth

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Yep. My dead body could be worth the gargantuan price listed in the graphic. And then it can be sliced and diced by a bunch of medical students. I could buy something really nice with that cash. Now I have to figure out how to sell my dead body to science without actually dying and without the threat of mutilation by surgical tools.

A Show that Changed the World: Three's Company

30 years ago an effects-heavy, character-driven, cultural zeitgiest spectacle lit up the imaginations of people everywhere. No, I'm not talking about that tiny space movie called Star Wars, but about the era-defining, pop-culture phenomenon which was Three's Company.

"Come on knock on our doooor/We've been waiting for yooooou." That's how the immensely catchy theme song started. It tended to stick in your head and nearly drive you batty with the surpy-smooth vocals and sing-songy beat. By the summer of '77 nearly every TV watcher in the country was practically banging down the door to catch a glimpse of the often-tired, always-cliched, and instantly old-fashioned TV threesome of Jack, Janet and Chrissy. The laughs were cheap, the action stagey, and the dialogue rote, but somehow these three magical creatures wormed there way into our hearts for eight solid seasons.

Diaper's for Everyone!

One of my favorite things is wearing a diaper. Now, that may seem strange at first, but think about it. You can go to the bathroom whenever you want! Say you are in a business meeting and you REALLY have to go, but you can't excuse yourself or you could be fired! Plus, you still have 45 minutes left in the meeting. What are you to do? Well, I suppose you could just pee your pants, but then you'll have wet pants, and that's just no fun for anyone. So, the sensible thing to do would be to think ahead of time, and throw on a trusty diaper. Then you can pee to your hearts content, and no one would be the wiser. So your pants look a little bigger, and you sound like you're wearing a plastic bag when you walk, that's when a knowing wink and a winning smile comes in to play. If only Bill would have worn his diaper, he may have shown up to his performance review on time. But thanks to him (and your diaper), you got the position. But the diaper wouldn't only be good just for the office, you can use it anytime!

In a hurry? Gotta drive the kids to practice, stop a the store, fill up the car, go to the bank, pick up the kids and hurry home? And you gotta pee? No problem, just use a diaper. Now you don't have to make any more of those pesky potty stops. In this fast-paced world, diapers will be a real time saver. Potty training your toddlers never was so easy! You'll never be late again. Think about how popular the diaper will become.

She's No Dummy!

It seems I can no longer rent terrible movies. I mean, I thought that out of the hundreds I watch each and every month that at least one would be a bad movie. Not so. Case in point: Mannequin, starring the ravishing Kim Cattrall and the far-from-idiotic Andrew McCarthy, is one of the best movies I've seen in quite some time.

The story goes like this: In ancient Egypt, a wild, reckless, blonde American-Egyptian named Emmy pleaded with God to let her live forever--or at least until she can experience life and find true love. God, being the magician he is, decides to grant her the wish--but with one caveat: she must live with a curse her entire life. Evidently the curse is being a mannequin throughout history. In a cute, expertly animated intro we learn that Emmy has been a part of almost every milestone in human history. Da Vinci's muse? Check. Christopher Columbus new world expedition? Check. First woman to wear a sanitary napkin? Check. In short, she's been around.