Movie of the Year | Transformers: Rise of the Fallon

It wouldn't be summer without an action-packed crapfest stinking up theaters and last summer brought us one of the very best. Transformers: Rise of the Fallon was far and away the best of any god-awful movie all year.

We learn that thousands of years ago an evil Audibot wanted to steal our sun by building a massive sun stealing machine. Some Primes (but not Optimal, he wasn't born yet) sacrificed themselves and hid somesuch so it didn't happen. This made the evil one, dubbed The Fallon, want to seek revenge, but not until he's had thousands of years to stew in his angry juices and spawn a few new Deceptibots. Then, early in the movie, there's a confusing and visually assaulting scene that induces migraines in the weak. This scene introduces us to the first ever gay robots Skidmark and Mudflaps. These two are the racially insensitive comic relief who fight and bicker like brothers throughout the movie. The Audibots and US Army successfully destroy Shanghai then high-five each other while drinking beer.

This brings us to our protagonist, Same. He's busy packing up his things because he's off to college. While digging trough stinky socks he discovers a shard of Somseuch which promptly fills his head with alien symbols. It then brings the kitchen appliances to life which try to murder him and his bumbling parents. He deems the Somesuch so dangerous, he gives it to his sexy mechanic girlfriend, Mickey, and promptly leaves for college. She's about 10 times the man he is.

I don't want to spoil anything, but basically, Same needs to find the Somesuch so he can destroy it before the Fallon does. Otherwise we won't have a sun and we'll die. Plus, the Fallon can't be killed unless Optimal does it, but he dies early on in a battle scene that ruins a tranquil forest and all the animals that live there. It's a Save Humanity sort of movie, but without any of those boring lessons message movies like to shove down our throats. This movie forgoes lessons, common sense and even a script. Winging it never looked bad.

The action alternates from clunky expository scenes that tell, rather than show, and some awesomely eye searing action set pieces. Some Audibots die and some Deceptibots die. Sam nearly has nasty robot sex with a nasty robot girl. Mickey runs around, mouth a gape. A random dude sits in the back seat and screams like a baby. And, the fate of humanity lies with a smug little smart ass. So, you know, goodbye cruel world (if this were reality). Clocking in at nearly three hours, this is terrific little movie to have yourself a grand nap. I give it an A-