The Facts of Life was a serious drama that taught the world valuable lessons on life, love, baked goods and roller skates. The deadly serious theme song summed up the nature of the show in it's first few lines "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the Facts of Life (the facts of life, dee doo)." The show centered on four girls, Blair, Joseph, Natalie and Toots, who were perpetually away at boarding school living under the watchful eye of housemother Mrs Garrett. The girls lived above her bakery and always smelled like cookies.
Blair was the hottest and, therefore, the biggest bitch. She was practically made of money. In fact, I believe it was even mentioned in one episode that she even shat money! Ha ha, only in Hollywood. Her favorite pastimes were making fun of those less fortunate than herself, leading young men on, talking about money, talking about her "daddy," looking pretty, and making greed fashionable (it was the 80's after all). She was probably the most shallow, and the most liked of all the girls.
Joseph was the resident closet lesbian. It was never explicitly stated, but her macho demeanor, boy-style haircut, lingering stares (mostly at Blair, but sometimes at Natalie too) weren't just a product of her Bronx upbringing (but probably because her parents named her Joseph). She could fix anything, was quick to use her fists to solve a problem, and harbored a lot of anger. This resulted in a lot of pouting and feet stamping, but also inspired deep discussions about sexuality and how it should always be buried deep down inside and never revealed. Joseph may have been tough, but she was an ol' softy at heart--especially in regards to the other girls, of whom she considered personal possessions.
Natalie was the resident eating champion. She was rarely seen without food in her chubby little hands. Living above a bakery (and later a candy store), afforded her the luxury of stuffing her face at every opportunity. Nothing fazed this sweet girl, though, as her lack of brains and good humor masked the pain and agony of her weight problem. Her eating problems lead to lots of lonely nights and crying in the shower. Somehow, in the later years, she lost her virginity and an entire episode was devoted to this milestone. Devoted fans tried desperately to forget this episode ever happened. Also, she and Toots were besties, and nothing could tear them apart.
Toots was originally the token black character. But early on her spunky attitude, sharp tongue, cute little braces and relative ease on roller skates turned this charmer into a fan favorite. Toots was the youngest and most impressionable. She was also darned cute. This was exploited regularly by the producers. There is nothing cuter than a little girl with a smart mouth. She then grew up (and grew out, if ya know what I mean *wink*) and nobody knew what to do with her. Turning her into the housekeeper seemed cruel (and a little racist), so she mostly sat around sassing everyone else.
Keeping everything together in an orderly fashion was Mrs Garrett. The heart and emotional center of the show. She was sweet, tender and always filled with advice. She was always there for her girls, except when she decided to ditch the brats for some dude. She actually had a history of ditching those to who she felt closest to: first the Drummonds, and then the girls. I wouldn't be surprised to learn she ditched her fella and ran an orphanage for a time before ditching those poor unfortunate souls for an affair with a cupcake.
In later seasons we saw the introduction of Mrs Garrett's sister, Mrs Carrot, who did nothing for the show, except inspire Joseph with her butch dyke hairdo. Then there was Andy, the little mooch of a brat. I'm not sure how or why he was there, except to enhance TVs tradition of adding cute little tykes who's job was to boost flagging ratings. He was neither cute, nor little (or even a tyke, for that matter), therefore he was an abject failure.
Yes, the characters of the Facts of Life are worth noting for their honestly brutal portrayal of boarding school girls living above a bakery in a small New York city. We all have a little Blair, Joseph, Natalie, Toots or Mrs G inside us. Their trials and tribulations taught us all that the Facts of Life really are "all about yoooou (breath) ooo ooo ooo oooooo."
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