Notes from Kathy's Diary

Choice excerpts from Kathy's daily journal, aged 17.

Ugh. Fish again. Sometimes I hate that my Dad had that heart attack.

Don't feed the dog Spaghetti-O's under the table anymore. She won't eat them.

Michaels sure is cute, but his dad is even cuter.

Mom stuffed herself full of doughnuts again. Make sure to plug your ears before bed.

Didn't I used to have a cat? Hmmm...

I had two crackers for lunch and now I'm ready to hurl. God I'm a pig!

Bethany totally flashed her tits at the football team. I'm planning to forget to wear panties at next week's game.

Bethany has the hugest zit on her nose! I dared Billy to pop it and he did! Slut!

Mom and Dad are so strict! I still refuse to eat peas. The bastards!

I saw Franklin's wee-wee. It made me sad. Mostly because I can't stop calling it a wee-wee. Poor guy.

Bethany totally ate concrete today. I'll try not to trip her again tomorrow. No guarantees though.

Bethany got so fat over break! She must have gained, like, 3 pounds.

Bethany borrowed my sweater and stretched it out, so I borrowed her boyfriend and stretched him out.

Bethany totally wants to be me. Too bad she's fat! God!

Jenn is a dyke. I found out when she tried to tongue me today. As if! She's not even blonde!!

Mom ate the whole bucket of fried chicken tonight. Dad had a heart attack. I missed a whole night of programming on the CW! God! Thanks parents!

I totally caught Maggie and Duke making out today. She got embarrassed and ran away, so I made out with Duke too.

Bethany eats her weight in M & M's everyday. God! At least it seems like it. Gross!

Bethany is SO not prettier than me! I hate you Brad! HATE!

Bethany thinks her car is totally hot. It's totally not! Time to get the groceries, bitch!

Duke gave me a ride in his convertible last night. My ass still hurts! Stupid stick shift! God!

Mom ate my entire birthday cake. It wasn't chocolate, so I'm ok with that.

Dad was totally hitting on Mrs. Larsen. I can't wait to tell Bethany! She'll be so pissed!

I'm so itchy down there!

Bethany's dad made a pass at me, so I punched him in the gut. It was funny. He's so old!

Mom ate the Oscar-Meyer Weiner Mobile. Seriously.

It's so sad what happened to Mr. Douglas, but he shouldn't have flunked me. Jerk!

Bethany is coming over tonight. I hope Mom gets to our food before she does! Fatty!

I'm thinking about joining Youth Group at my church. The pastor is so hot! Yum!

Leslie said I was going to hell. Now her jaw is wired shut. NOW who's going to hell, bitch?!?

My Mom is like a whale, but I love that about her.

Mrs McKenny totally has the hots for Mr Marshall. Too bad he's gay! Dumb ass!

A Show That Changed My Life

Back in September of 1985 a magical thing happened to television that changed me forever. I'm speaking, of course, about The Golden Girls. Those lovable old hags who loved, lost, fought, entertained, and ate cheesecake all while living in sun-drenched Miami. I found myself closely identifying with the geriatric foursome even though I was just a small boy at the time.

Rose was my favorite. Always the Dumb One of the group, Rose was actually quite witty and a little mischievous, if needed. Especially earlier in the series. Like me, Rose had a sunny personality, a keen fashion sense, white/blonde hair and big boobs. Her endless stories of home life in St Olaf provided hours of entertainment for the rest of the girls, and provided me with a much-needed back-story when we moved at the age of 10. Her hopelessly optimistic outlook always cheered the other girls up in their time of need, as well as showing me you never need to face reality when you have optimism on your side! Rose was surely the "happy" one of the group.

Now, Blanche was also very happy, but in a different way. She was the Slutty One, having romantic flings with a number of men, sometimes within the same evening! At least according to her. Like me, Blanche used sex to cover up her serious daddy issues, she then used humor to cover up the sex. Her fashions were always cutting-edge, and I can still recall the click-clack of her pumps across the floor as she moved about the house. Secretly, she was my favorite. Just don't tell Mother! Blanche could always be found in the elated afterglow of a one-night stand, or in the kitchen eating them out of house and home because her date didn't feel like bedding her that night. Although never really discussed on the show, I always suspected Blanche had weight issues as well, that's why she needed to delude herself into thinking she was the most beautiful, most thin girl of them all, when everyone knew that title went to Dorothy.

Making sure to mask her beauty behind a hideous hairdo and heavy clothes, Dorothy was known as the Angry One. Her biting sarcasm, lanky body, and manly jaw line always reminded me of my father. I always loved how in the credits she bit her hand to prevent herself from using it to slap Rose, or punch Blanche in the face, or strangle her mother to death. Like me, Dorothy hid her emotions behind angry words, a slap on the hand, or other violent and hurtful ways. Not to be out done by the other girls, her fashions were always ahead of their time. In fact, I believe her fashion sense hasn't even made it into the social consciousness yet! I have faith that one day we'll all be wearing bathrobes with gigantic collars and a flower broach to the latest charity ball. The series was centered around Dorothy and once she decided to get married and flee the house, the series ended.

Finally we come to Sophia, Dorothy's mother and the Old One, which is funny because she was actually the youngest of them all! Like me, Sophia had a rough life growing up in the Mafia infested island of Sicily. She always had a witty retort and an honest, if not particularly welcome, take on the goings-on within the house. Her salty language heightening the already tense drama. Sophia used her old age to her advantage by conveniently forgetting anything that was said to her. Sophia was not so into fashion, but she did have one item she could not live without: a wooden bead purse. She even had duplicates in case anything ever happened. That purse was practically attached to her arm as it probably contained either contraband, or dirty little secrets. Probably both.

Yes, these four lovely ladies and their (mis)adventures in America's heartland brought joy and happiness to countless millions each week for seven seasons. And this small boy from the other side of the country was one of them. They were like grandmother's to me even though they never even knew I existed. They changed my life forever by being true to themselves, even if the continuity fairy completely deserted the show. Each week I learned a lesson, bonded with the ladies, and became a man in the process. Thank you for that.

The Best Thanksgiving EVER!

Well, it's that time of year again: stuff the turkey, open a can of cranberry sauce, layout the relish tray, and enjoy a thick slice of pumpkin pie (possibly from the one you carved just a few weeks ago!). That's right boys and girls, it's Thanksgiving time once again! We never actually had the traditional Thanksgiving in my family, Mother usually fried up some chicken legs and made her famous mackerel pudding, but I can remember the year we had the best Thanksgiving ever.

I was in elementary school at the time, Sissy was just starting Junior High. Mother, for reasons that are still unclear, decided to go visit an aunt we'd never met (or even heard of, actually) for the holiday and left Dad in charge. Dad decided that Thanksgiving was for the birds and suggested we make up our own dinner. He gave us a pen and paper and told us to jot down a grocery list. He sat on the couch swilling his special medicine while Sissy and I rooted through the kitchen. We planned the whole thing out: there would be pancakes and bacon, wheat toast with jelly, french fries in cheese and chili, marshmallow salad with chocolate sauce dressing, Coco Puffs stuffing, mashed ice cream with caramel gravy, Pepsi-Cola served in Mother's wine glasses, cherry pie for dessert, applesauce, grapes, and pickles.

Excited that our list was finally complete, we hopped on the couch rousting Dad from his drunken stupor. He drove us to the market and we gleefully filled up the basket. We couldn't believe what an awesome Thanksgiving we were about to have. Sissy was yammering non-stop while I fantasized about how my classmates would react as I recounted my awesome holiday dinner. After all the boring, traditional stories about what everyone had for dinner, I'd get up and recount our elaborate spread. Mouths would drop open, sighs of jealousy would permeate the air, Georgia would reach over and take my hand in hers. The whole school would be envious of me and my sugar-filled dinner. Just as Georgia and I were about to make out in the coat closet, I heard a beleaguered "Uh-oh" from Dad.

It seems Mother cleaned out his wallet before she left, leaving him with just $10. Our Thanksgiving would be ruined! Sissy started throwing her famous tantrum as Dad paid for pancake batter and a six-pack of Schlitz. Dad wearily drank his beer as Sissy continued screaming all the way home. I was just sad. It now appeared that I wouldn't be the envy of the school and I wouldn't be making out with Georgia any time soon. A single tear fell from my eye and splashed to my clasped hands below.

When we arrived home, Dad disappeared into the kitchen as Sissy disappeared to her room. I found my way to the TV and zoned out. I imagined Georgia and I in the coat closet, doing to her what I once saw Dad do to Mother. Twenty minutes later I heard Dad calling from the kitchen. He undoubtedly had bowls of cereal waiting for our consumption. Sissy lumbered downstairs and we both somberly tromped into the kitchen.

"Buck up, you little shits, Dad's got a surprise for you," he said, his speech slightly slurred, "Dinner is served!" He plopped down two huge stacks of fluffy, hot pancakes. There were blueberry, banana, cinnamon and just plain-old regular. Sissy and I stared at each other, wide-eyed. "Eat up before they get cold!" he demanded. Sissy and I hungrily dove in. "How'd you learn how to make pancakes, Dad?" I asked between mouthfuls, "You don't know how to cook!" He turned and gave me the same look I get just before a hefty thumping, "What do you mean, Dimbulb? I can cook! Now shut up and eat your dinner!" I heartily complied.

Later, after Dad finished off another bottle of "dinner," and Sissy and I were full to bursting with pancakes, plates stacked in the sink waiting for Mother's return, I witnessed something I'd never seen before, and never since: Sissy said, "Thanks Dad, I love you," and kissed him on the cheek. He belched his reply as she skipped out of the house, gearing up for playtime with Bobby Walker from down the street. "yeah, thanks Dad," I said as I made to peck his cheek. He swatted me away and growled "don't you kiss me, you little girl. Now go grab me another beer!"

As I went to grab him another beer my heart filled with love and joy. This was truly the best Thanksgiving ever. Dad made us delicious pancakes, Sissy was in a good mood, and I actually got to bring Dad a beer--the first of many as it turns out. I was sorry Mother missed the whole thing, but when she got home she didn't seem to mind. Although her trip was "exhausting," she certainly looked refreshed and revived. So maybe it was the best Thanksgiving for everyone.

A Horror-Musical with Heart

If you're anything like me then your love of pirates goes beyond simply wearing an eye patch and yelling "AAARGH Matey!" to passersby. You probably dress like a pirate every day. Recently I enjoyed the horror-musical spectacular with the ingenious and cleverly thought-out name The Pirate Movie. This film is filled with scary pirates, young lovers, ineffectual policmen, rich daddies and wonderful songs. Based on the Gilbert & Sullivan musical, The Pirates of Penzance, but without all those messy plot details.

Our tale begins in the present day when a hot pirate named Fred, played by the mulit-talented Christopher Atkins, is putting on a sword fight show for his beautiful young admirers. This scene gives you the first scream-out-loud moment when ugly-duckling Kristi McNichol lumbers into the frame, face all twisted up into a hungry grimace, sniffing out her next meal. Somehow Fred falls for the brainless zombie and invites her and her hot under-age friends to his private island, where he's hoping to put his pocket sword to good use. They leave without her, because she's an ugly zombie, but proving she's more than just a brain eater, she rents her own sailboat to chase after them. On the way she encounters some choppy seas, is knocked out of the boat, unconcious. Moments later she wakes washed ashore on a lonely strip of beach. She's gloriously transformed into a beautiful island princess, complete with headband. She decides to stroll the beach and sing a song about love.

Meanwhile, a plucky young Fred is aboard the Good Ship Lollipop. He's tired of the rape and pillage lifestyle and needs a change. You see, he's been a pirate since birth and all he wants is to find love. He sings a song of hope and yearning. Luckily the rest of the pirates make him walk the plank. Just when you thought he was gone for good, he pops back into the frame. Unfortunately, this becomes a recurring theme throughout the picture.

In a nutshell, the pirates need to get laid, so they head towards Hot Kristi and her 50 sisters who are dancing and singing in skimpy beachwear. The details are a little fuzzy, but basically the pirates want sex, Head Pirate wants the loot from the girls Rich Daddy, Fred wants Hot Kristi, and Hot Kristi wants to be a man. Fred decides to help Rich Daddy fight the pirates so he can marry Hot Kristi. Head Pirate wants Fred back because he now realizes he's without a cabin boy. This puts Fred into a tough spot: marry Hot Kristi, or contiune being Head Pirates butt boy? He is understandably torn between the two. At this point he decides a poorly written song is in order.

Will the young lovers get together? Will Head Pirate rape and pillage Rich Daddy? Will the pirates reveal their true nature in the full moon? Will Zombie Kristy finally find a worthy brain to feast on? With sword fights filled with homo-erotic imagery, Hot Kristi parading around in next to nothing, wussy-boy policemen, kick ass pirates, intense action sequences sandwiched between mind-numbing expository scenes, and songs that make you want to tear your ears off, this movie will answer all your questions and leave you hungering for more. Sharp song-writing, stellar vocals, inventive casting, clever dialogue, more screams per minute than Scream, and an over-abundance of the soft focus complete this timeless masterpiece. I give this movie a solid B-.