Notes from the Holiday Office Party

As overheard by Janice, the painfully shy receptionist at Fatty's Health Book Distributor

Ok, so now who'd like to make toast about me? Anyone? Hello? (Mr. Warbanks, CEO)

I'm not going to drink. Remember what happened last year? (Grace, sales)

No, my name is Pauline. PAULINE! (Pauline, HR)

Which one of you lovely ladies wants to show me their boobs? (Jake, bookkeeping)

Ok, who ate all the guacamole? (Lucy, advertising)

It's so big! (Tamara, marketing)

I got a taco! (James, sales)

C'mon! Their raising Roger's underwear up the flagpole! (Kevin, HR)

Can I please have my underwear back? And my pants? C'mon guys! (Roger, marketing)

Damn, Roger! (Sally, payroll)

Sweet! Grace is doing her pole dance again! (Jake, bookkeeping)

Ow! Not so hard! (Peg, accounting)

Alright, who's bra is this? (Julie, assistant)

Does anyone have a match? (Eddie, sales)

I'd like to make a toast... to Sally's tits. Good job, keep it up. (Jake, bookkeeping)

My eye! (Stan, accounting)

Once again, folks, the fruit is PLASTIC! Do NOT eat it! (Lucy, advertising)

That's my ASS, Jake! (Pauline, HR)

Ok, who threw the used condom in the punch bowl? (Sally, payroll)

A toast to my employees, without you I'd be a hellova lot richer! (Mr. Warbanks, CEO)

Who wants to play spin the bottle? Hey! Where's everyone going? *hic* (Grace, sales)

Ok, nobody go in THERE. Woo! (Ralph, purchasing)

It feels like my pants are on fire! (Eddie, sales)

Faker! (Greg, bully)

When the chips are down, make lemonade. That's what I always say. (Kevin, HR)

You got Cheetos in my HAIR! (Tamara, marketing)

Is that what I think it is? Please kindly remove it from my ear, Jake. (Pauline, HR)

Ok, ladies! It's Naked Twister time! Ladies? (Jake, bookkeeping)

Hey, I'll play! (Roger, marketing)

Here's to another year of record profits and no pay raises! Cheers! (Mr. Warbanks, CEO)

My Christmas Wish List

by Jasper Mackay, esq.,

Dear Santa,

How are you? I know you're not actually real, which is sad, but I know this letter will reach you anyway (thank you Canada Post!), which is confusing. I just wanted to let you know that I, Jasper Mackay, was a really good boy this year so I'm hoping that you'll bring me EVERYTHING on my list. I know what you're thinking, "But Jasper, you're a very wealthy man with a nice house, a beautiful wife and plenty of material possesions, what else could you possibly need?" Well, first of all you sound just like my wife, and although she is beautiful to look at, I don't need to hear her squawking all the time (perhaps you can do something about that?), and secondly I DON'T have everything I need, that's why I sent you this letter. I mean, get it together old man.

Anyway, below is my list. I've checked twice so you don't have to!

Argyle Socks - you know, the pattern is now en vogue. I'd like 12 pair, please. Plus the same in underwear.

A new, complete wardrobe. The one I have currently is about 4 months old. It's time for a change.

Classic Masters of the Universe action figures.

Koi pond, minus Koi fish.

Room full of hot ladies - you know how it is, there are certain needs a wife alone just cannot meet. Also, throw in a lama.

A Transmogrifier - then perhaps I can get rid of Mr Muscles, Blaze Lightning Brogh, and Molly will be all mine.

Condoms

Automatic Mojito maker, or an Automatic Cocktail maker. Either one is fine, thanks.

A larger SUV (preferrably a luxury model) than my neighbors SUV.

An elf. Preferrably one that looks like Will Ferrell, but not as funny.

The Badonkadonk Tank - I will surely become the envy of the neighborhood chugging around in this hearty tank. If you could please add a rocket launcher and a machine gun and we should be all set (say goodbye to your precious roses, Mr. Twister!). I've been without ground transportation since poor Pearl crapped out on me a few months back.

Bacon and eggs for breakfast.

I think that's it for now. If I have anything more to add I'll just send you another letter. I have one request I'm hoping you'll be able to fill: you see, my neighbors are really bad people who are always trying to one-up me. I'd like you to please skip their house this year. They haven't been particularly good, therefore they deserve nothing. Please don't let me walk outside on Christmas morning to see that woman unwrapping a giant present of some sort like last year. That is one incident I would like erased from memory! Thanks Santa!

Love,
Jasper Mackay, esp.