Assault!

Today as Mother and I did some grocery shopping, I found myself assaulted by a rather large woman. I spotted her in the frozen foods pondering which frozen pizza's offered the best deal. Her blue, yellow and green checked muumuu billowing out as she opened and closed various doors. Her hair was the color of copper wiring, and just as natural looking, done up in a massive bun atop her head. Her five chins hid a bevy of gold and silver necklaces, all with large, swaying pendants. Her eye shadow was the color of limes, her lips the color of fresh salmon. I was intrigued with the old whale. I needed a closer look so I told Mother that I needed to pick out a pizza of my own.

I dashed over as non-chalantly as I could. I sidled up next to her pretending to be vastly curious in the myriad selection of pizzas. I glanced up at her, her face scrunched into a ball of indecision as she pondered which of two brands she should purchase. Her globs of lipstick bunching together as she pursed her lips. As I silently voiced my own opinion, my nostrils became assaulted by a monstrous smell. There was a mixture of Chanel, onions, and Ben-Gay, with a strong under current of sweat within our immediate vicinity. Before I knew what was happening, I let out a loud "Peeeeyewww!"

"Excuse me, young man?" she exhaled.
"Oh, sorry" I said, searching wildly for an excuse, "I just farted."
After momentarily gathering her thoughts she exclaimed, "Well, that is just RUDE!"
"Sorry, ma'am," I said, "but it smells as though you're in need of a shower."
"Well!" She huffed, her face beginning to boil. "Where is your Mother, young man?!?"
I couldn't let Mother find out, so I pointed to a frail lady picking out concentrated juices at the opposite end of the aisle. With much effort, as it was practically over flowing with foods, she turned her cart and stomped along behind it yelling "Excuse me? Excuse ME!" as she approached the old woman. That's when I made my exit.
I found Mother in Produce sniffing oranges. "God, I could just smell these all day. It's heaven!" she breathed as I approached. I let out a huge sigh of relief.

Just as I was thinking I was saved I heard a booming voice bellow "There you are!" My heart sank as I turned to look. There, next to the bananas, was the fat lady, looking like a red bull ready to charge. I gasped.
"Are you that little shit's Mother?" she yelled as she passed the potatoes. A couple rolled off the display and plopped to the floor. One hand was pushing the cart, as the other was balled into a fist swirling around her head. Mother dropped her orange.

"Are you speaking to me?" she asked. The woman finally approached and screeched to a halt.
"Do you KNOW what your little brat said to me?" She fumed.
"Uh, no, sorry." Mother was clearly perplexed. She turned to me asking, "did you say something to the... uh... nice lady?"
"ME?" I questioned "Never!" I put on the puppy eyes. That always gets Mother.
"Why you lying little mouse turd!" Old Fats was really fuming now.
"OK," I admitted, "I maybe, perhaps, sorta mentioned something about a horrible stench emanating from her body. But it was the truth!" That's the precise moment the woman took the opportunity to start bashing me over the head with her purse. Luckily I was wearing my blue crash helmet. I wear it to ward off angry fat old ladies.

It took a while to subdue the old whale. Three employees of the store and a security guard were needed to wrestle her to the ground. They dragged her off to a holding cell, all the while kicking and screaming and calling me names like "shithead," "asshat," and "tard boy." Mother gave me a disapproving look, but soon forgot as she continued to sniff oranges.

On our way home, Mother said, "She really did stink." In that moment I loved Mother just a little bit more.