Notes from the Holiday Office Party

As overheard by Janice, the painfully shy receptionist at Fatty's Health Book Distributor

Ok, so now who'd like to make toast about me? Anyone? Hello? (Mr. Warbanks, CEO)

I'm not going to drink. Remember what happened last year? (Grace, sales)

No, my name is Pauline. PAULINE! (Pauline, HR)

Which one of you lovely ladies wants to show me their boobs? (Jake, bookkeeping)

Ok, who ate all the guacamole? (Lucy, advertising)

It's so big! (Tamara, marketing)

I got a taco! (James, sales)

C'mon! Their raising Roger's underwear up the flagpole! (Kevin, HR)

Can I please have my underwear back? And my pants? C'mon guys! (Roger, marketing)

Damn, Roger! (Sally, payroll)

Sweet! Grace is doing her pole dance again! (Jake, bookkeeping)

Ow! Not so hard! (Peg, accounting)

Alright, who's bra is this? (Julie, assistant)

Does anyone have a match? (Eddie, sales)

I'd like to make a toast... to Sally's tits. Good job, keep it up. (Jake, bookkeeping)

My eye! (Stan, accounting)

Once again, folks, the fruit is PLASTIC! Do NOT eat it! (Lucy, advertising)

That's my ASS, Jake! (Pauline, HR)

Ok, who threw the used condom in the punch bowl? (Sally, payroll)

A toast to my employees, without you I'd be a hellova lot richer! (Mr. Warbanks, CEO)

Who wants to play spin the bottle? Hey! Where's everyone going? *hic* (Grace, sales)

Ok, nobody go in THERE. Woo! (Ralph, purchasing)

It feels like my pants are on fire! (Eddie, sales)

Faker! (Greg, bully)

When the chips are down, make lemonade. That's what I always say. (Kevin, HR)

You got Cheetos in my HAIR! (Tamara, marketing)

Is that what I think it is? Please kindly remove it from my ear, Jake. (Pauline, HR)

Ok, ladies! It's Naked Twister time! Ladies? (Jake, bookkeeping)

Hey, I'll play! (Roger, marketing)

Here's to another year of record profits and no pay raises! Cheers! (Mr. Warbanks, CEO)

Notes from Kathy's Diary

Choice excerpts from Kathy's daily journal, aged 17.

Ugh. Fish again. Sometimes I hate that my Dad had that heart attack.

Don't feed the dog Spaghetti-O's under the table anymore. She won't eat them.

Michaels sure is cute, but his dad is even cuter.

Mom stuffed herself full of doughnuts again. Make sure to plug your ears before bed.

Didn't I used to have a cat? Hmmm...

I had two crackers for lunch and now I'm ready to hurl. God I'm a pig!

Bethany totally flashed her tits at the football team. I'm planning to forget to wear panties at next week's game.

Bethany has the hugest zit on her nose! I dared Billy to pop it and he did! Slut!

Mom and Dad are so strict! I still refuse to eat peas. The bastards!

I saw Franklin's wee-wee. It made me sad. Mostly because I can't stop calling it a wee-wee. Poor guy.

Bethany totally ate concrete today. I'll try not to trip her again tomorrow. No guarantees though.

Bethany got so fat over break! She must have gained, like, 3 pounds.

Bethany borrowed my sweater and stretched it out, so I borrowed her boyfriend and stretched him out.

Bethany totally wants to be me. Too bad she's fat! God!

Jenn is a dyke. I found out when she tried to tongue me today. As if! She's not even blonde!!

Mom ate the whole bucket of fried chicken tonight. Dad had a heart attack. I missed a whole night of programming on the CW! God! Thanks parents!

I totally caught Maggie and Duke making out today. She got embarrassed and ran away, so I made out with Duke too.

Bethany eats her weight in M & M's everyday. God! At least it seems like it. Gross!

Bethany is SO not prettier than me! I hate you Brad! HATE!

Bethany thinks her car is totally hot. It's totally not! Time to get the groceries, bitch!

Duke gave me a ride in his convertible last night. My ass still hurts! Stupid stick shift! God!

Mom ate my entire birthday cake. It wasn't chocolate, so I'm ok with that.

Dad was totally hitting on Mrs. Larsen. I can't wait to tell Bethany! She'll be so pissed!

I'm so itchy down there!

Bethany's dad made a pass at me, so I punched him in the gut. It was funny. He's so old!

Mom ate the Oscar-Meyer Weiner Mobile. Seriously.

It's so sad what happened to Mr. Douglas, but he shouldn't have flunked me. Jerk!

Bethany is coming over tonight. I hope Mom gets to our food before she does! Fatty!

I'm thinking about joining Youth Group at my church. The pastor is so hot! Yum!

Leslie said I was going to hell. Now her jaw is wired shut. NOW who's going to hell, bitch?!?

My Mom is like a whale, but I love that about her.

Mrs McKenny totally has the hots for Mr Marshall. Too bad he's gay! Dumb ass!