Notes from Kathy's Diary

Choice excerpts from Kathy's daily journal, aged 17.

Ugh. Fish again. Sometimes I hate that my Dad had that heart attack.

Don't feed the dog Spaghetti-O's under the table anymore. She won't eat them.

Michaels sure is cute, but his dad is even cuter.

Mom stuffed herself full of doughnuts again. Make sure to plug your ears before bed.

Didn't I used to have a cat? Hmmm...

I had two crackers for lunch and now I'm ready to hurl. God I'm a pig!

Bethany totally flashed her tits at the football team. I'm planning to forget to wear panties at next week's game.

Bethany has the hugest zit on her nose! I dared Billy to pop it and he did! Slut!

Mom and Dad are so strict! I still refuse to eat peas. The bastards!

I saw Franklin's wee-wee. It made me sad. Mostly because I can't stop calling it a wee-wee. Poor guy.

Bethany totally ate concrete today. I'll try not to trip her again tomorrow. No guarantees though.

Bethany got so fat over break! She must have gained, like, 3 pounds.

Bethany borrowed my sweater and stretched it out, so I borrowed her boyfriend and stretched him out.

Bethany totally wants to be me. Too bad she's fat! God!

Jenn is a dyke. I found out when she tried to tongue me today. As if! She's not even blonde!!

Mom ate the whole bucket of fried chicken tonight. Dad had a heart attack. I missed a whole night of programming on the CW! God! Thanks parents!

I totally caught Maggie and Duke making out today. She got embarrassed and ran away, so I made out with Duke too.

Bethany eats her weight in M & M's everyday. God! At least it seems like it. Gross!

Bethany is SO not prettier than me! I hate you Brad! HATE!

Bethany thinks her car is totally hot. It's totally not! Time to get the groceries, bitch!

Duke gave me a ride in his convertible last night. My ass still hurts! Stupid stick shift! God!

Mom ate my entire birthday cake. It wasn't chocolate, so I'm ok with that.

Dad was totally hitting on Mrs. Larsen. I can't wait to tell Bethany! She'll be so pissed!

I'm so itchy down there!

Bethany's dad made a pass at me, so I punched him in the gut. It was funny. He's so old!

Mom ate the Oscar-Meyer Weiner Mobile. Seriously.

It's so sad what happened to Mr. Douglas, but he shouldn't have flunked me. Jerk!

Bethany is coming over tonight. I hope Mom gets to our food before she does! Fatty!

I'm thinking about joining Youth Group at my church. The pastor is so hot! Yum!

Leslie said I was going to hell. Now her jaw is wired shut. NOW who's going to hell, bitch?!?

My Mom is like a whale, but I love that about her.

Mrs McKenny totally has the hots for Mr Marshall. Too bad he's gay! Dumb ass!

A Show That Changed My Life

Back in September of 1985 a magical thing happened to television that changed me forever. I'm speaking, of course, about The Golden Girls. Those lovable old hags who loved, lost, fought, entertained, and ate cheesecake all while living in sun-drenched Miami. I found myself closely identifying with the geriatric foursome even though I was just a small boy at the time.

Rose was my favorite. Always the Dumb One of the group, Rose was actually quite witty and a little mischievous, if needed. Especially earlier in the series. Like me, Rose had a sunny personality, a keen fashion sense, white/blonde hair and big boobs. Her endless stories of home life in St Olaf provided hours of entertainment for the rest of the girls, and provided me with a much-needed back-story when we moved at the age of 10. Her hopelessly optimistic outlook always cheered the other girls up in their time of need, as well as showing me you never need to face reality when you have optimism on your side! Rose was surely the "happy" one of the group.

Now, Blanche was also very happy, but in a different way. She was the Slutty One, having romantic flings with a number of men, sometimes within the same evening! At least according to her. Like me, Blanche used sex to cover up her serious daddy issues, she then used humor to cover up the sex. Her fashions were always cutting-edge, and I can still recall the click-clack of her pumps across the floor as she moved about the house. Secretly, she was my favorite. Just don't tell Mother! Blanche could always be found in the elated afterglow of a one-night stand, or in the kitchen eating them out of house and home because her date didn't feel like bedding her that night. Although never really discussed on the show, I always suspected Blanche had weight issues as well, that's why she needed to delude herself into thinking she was the most beautiful, most thin girl of them all, when everyone knew that title went to Dorothy.

Making sure to mask her beauty behind a hideous hairdo and heavy clothes, Dorothy was known as the Angry One. Her biting sarcasm, lanky body, and manly jaw line always reminded me of my father. I always loved how in the credits she bit her hand to prevent herself from using it to slap Rose, or punch Blanche in the face, or strangle her mother to death. Like me, Dorothy hid her emotions behind angry words, a slap on the hand, or other violent and hurtful ways. Not to be out done by the other girls, her fashions were always ahead of their time. In fact, I believe her fashion sense hasn't even made it into the social consciousness yet! I have faith that one day we'll all be wearing bathrobes with gigantic collars and a flower broach to the latest charity ball. The series was centered around Dorothy and once she decided to get married and flee the house, the series ended.

Finally we come to Sophia, Dorothy's mother and the Old One, which is funny because she was actually the youngest of them all! Like me, Sophia had a rough life growing up in the Mafia infested island of Sicily. She always had a witty retort and an honest, if not particularly welcome, take on the goings-on within the house. Her salty language heightening the already tense drama. Sophia used her old age to her advantage by conveniently forgetting anything that was said to her. Sophia was not so into fashion, but she did have one item she could not live without: a wooden bead purse. She even had duplicates in case anything ever happened. That purse was practically attached to her arm as it probably contained either contraband, or dirty little secrets. Probably both.

Yes, these four lovely ladies and their (mis)adventures in America's heartland brought joy and happiness to countless millions each week for seven seasons. And this small boy from the other side of the country was one of them. They were like grandmother's to me even though they never even knew I existed. They changed my life forever by being true to themselves, even if the continuity fairy completely deserted the show. Each week I learned a lesson, bonded with the ladies, and became a man in the process. Thank you for that.